For the One Waiting to Adopt

A few years ago, Glendon & I began to sense a holy nudge toward adoption. After a month or so of hushed conversations, fervent prayer, and increasing heartache over the crisis of kids with Down syndrome in need of families, we took this nudge more seriously.

In late 2012, we began to research the details of the adoption process. Domestic? International? Private? State? Agency? Lone lawyer?

Once we decided on domestic private adoption, we began to research agencies. Faith-based? Distance from our home? Reasonable fees? Ethical in their work with birth families? Reputation? There were so many factors to consider.

In early 2013, at the recommendation of a friend, we chose an agency and began to work our way through the details of our home study.

Personal interviews with social workers.

Criminal background checks.

Child abuse clearances.

Financial statements and assets.

Home visits and inspections.

Personal references.

Guardianship decisions.

Parenting videos.

Mental health evaluations.

Health physicals.

Pet status and vaccines.

Fees.

Countless signatures.

We willingly revealed the private details of our personal lives, our home. Our overwhelmed and tender hearts were pulled at the seams as strangers with legal authority looked inside to determine whether we were fit to parent.

Five months later, the Monday after Mother’s Day, we received our official ‘home study approved’ packet. This legal stamp of approval allowed us to move forward with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network, a non-profit agency that connects potential birth families with homestudy-approved families seeking to adopt a child with Ds.

After registering with the NDSAN, we waited for ‘the call.’

We waited with no guarantees. With no end date in sight. With little control over the process.

I wish I could say I was filled with joy in every moment.

Peace at every closed door.

Patience with the complicated questions and incomplete answers.

Trust in a God who seemed too quiet for me at times.

I cannot say when I began to accept The Wait as a constant theme in our story but eventually and with God’s grace, I settled in to a contented posture, regardless of outcomes.

A handful of truth helped me to wait well and so I offer these 5 truths to remember as you wait to adopt. I hope they encourage you.

1. Remember the Author of your story. If you claim faith in Christ, you serve a God who is not bound by time. You may think he’s dragging his feet but he never lags behind or rushes ahead. He exists outside of ticking clocks and human limitations. You have the wonderful privilege of working with the master Storyteller, trusting him to write a story in which no human can take the credit.
2. Remember there are other characters. This story isn’t only about you and your decision to adopt. There are other characters to humbly, prayerfully consider. The Author is working in their lives, too, present in the pain and hope of their next chapters. He’s writing tear-stained pages of children in need, devastated first moms, and their grieving family and friends. This story also includes empathetic social workers and your extended family and friends. Each character plays a role in a larger story that has yet to be published. And like all adoption stories, yours will likely be woven with major themes like loss, trauma, love, grief, hope, and redemption.
3. Remember you’re never alone. Cliche, right? I know. In his kindness, the Author has likely provided a handful of trusted friends who will help guide you back to the truth of his love and presence, lest you forget. They’ll offer space for you to unload on the tougher days. They’ll quietly lift your requests to God and help carry the weight of doubt and discouragement.
4. Remember to listen and learn. Listen to adoptees, birth moms, and wise adoptive parents. Use this time to learn about adoption loss, trauma, and other complexities of adoption like race, poverty, and substance abuse. With FB groups, blogs, and other social media sources, you can discover a diverse community of triad voices ready to educate, encourage, admonish, and support you. (And keep listening and learning after the wait!)
5. Remember the Big(ger) Story. Adoption is one of many chapters in the story of your life. You may already have a full-time job, children to raise, neighbors to love, communities to serve, and buried dreams yet to discover. May you not become so consumed with the adoption chapter that you neglect the other beautiful chapters that are also being penned–and how those chapters fit into the bigger story of God’s Kingdom.

When we’re waiting to adopt, a potential child can easily become our primary focus, clouding our view of the One who holds the pen. We must remember that our adoption stories include more than our own expectations and we would be wise to use this time to listen and learn from other voices.

We must resist the subtle lie that we’re alone and then find others who will join us in remembering that we’re part of a bigger story, written by an attentive, loving God.    

In this season of waiting and as Mother’s Day approaches, take heart. The Author of your adoption story is still writing, often quietly and in ways unseen.

If you’re looking for a variety of adoption resources that affirm the adoption triad, check out this post.

Featured image by Cliff Johnson at Unsplash.