Finding a Place to Belong: Thoughts from An Adult Adoptee: Guest Post

Guest post by Elena S. Hall

Stop what you’re doing.

Take a moment to pause and create an image in your mind of a person, whom
you have never met–one who is adopted. 

What do you see?

What physical characteristics appear?

How is old is the adoptee you’ve
envisioned?  

Like most people, you probably pictured the adoptee as a young child. Despite the
fact that adoptees grow to beyond childhood, we tend to get frozen in people’s minds as adoptee children. But, adoption is not a phase. I will always be an adoptee.

People are often unsure of how to compliment or comment on an adult adoptee’s adoption without using words like “sweet” or “aww,” as if mentioning adoption is an invitation for juvenile vocabulary. It would be refreshing for someone’s first comment to be an insightful question or a genuine interest in how I feel about the whole thing.

Belonging to the adoption community can be a powerful thing because we feel
like we’re part of an exclusive club in which we were all placed. We find the
freedom to be ourselves, without the pressure to answer intrusive questions or
describe our feelings on adoption. We get to move beyond that to a mutual
understanding and a sense of camaraderie. Even when I meet adoptees who don’t share my particular outlook on adoption or have a completely different adoption
story, we’re still members of the same club and that brings a deep sense of
connection.

This summer, my sister and I had the honor of being adoptee cabin counselors at a
camp for adoptees. If you’ve ever been to camp, you have likely discovered that
friendships can grow quickly in just a few days. Both adoptee counselors and
campers found connection through shared experiences during the week, which
only reinforced our unique status. 

The pinnacle moment for me happened when one of my campers opened up to
me about her previous foster home. Having been informed beforehand that this
particular camper did not openly share her past, I was humbled that she chose to confide in me and that I could provide a safe, listening ear for her. She felt a sense of belonging in that space, which helped to encourage her on her journey toward healing. 

Although no story is ever the same, being vulnerable in the camp environment with
people who share similar histories has a way of breaking down walls and allows
bonds to be built through common themes and life experiences.

Finding a place to belong is a challenge for anyone in various life stages,
particularly for adoptees. In majority culture, where adoption is often
misunderstood, there seems to be an expectation that adoptees ‘move on’ after
finalization–that their identity and complex feelings and thoughts fade away after
papers are signed. But it’s important to know that adoptees need a safe space to
grow in understanding their own journey. Without the necessary freedom to process,
adoptees can struggle throughout their lives with issues surrounding their adoption. Sometimes adoption-related thoughts randomly appear in my head and I find it difficult to focus. I believe it’s important to work through my story so I’m better prepared to handle those random thoughts.

People who assume that all adoptees will automatically feel a sense of belonging in their new post-adoption life make it very difficult for adoptees to be vulnerable and process in a way that promotes healing.

As adoptees, we cannot ignore our pre-adoptee identity. Whether that season was a number of hours, days, or years – acknowledging how we belong in the adoption
community is important in order to discover how we want to fit in this particular space and how we want to be heard. As an international adoptee, I am aware of the heritage I lost. This does not mean I–or you–have to think about adoption all the time (it is probably good if we don’t!), but it is vital that we have a sense of belonging in our loss.

If you are an adoptee, who is your adoption community buddy? Do you have one? If not, don’t be afraid to reach out and find one, a fellow adoptee–someone who is automatically part of our club. One of mine is my sister, Lara, with whom I share similar experiences. I’m grateful that we were raised together and continue to bond over our shared experiences. I never really felt like I was alone as an adoptee because of a faith that affirmed my worth and a family that was never ashamed of adoption.

Social media can be a great way to connect with other adoptees, as well. It can help us feel less alone on the journey. You may also find it helpful to reach out to your adoption agency for post-adoption support and share about your adoption with trusted friends.

As adoptees grow, we must continue to acknowledge how our adoptee identity fits not only within the adoption community but within the broader context of our lives. If we avoid this, we do a great disservice to our exclusive club–to ourselves–and to a world in which we have an opportunity to impact for good.   

Elena S. Hall’s passion for adoption advocacy stems from her faith and family. She
loves to write, dance, sing, and tell stories. Her goal is to aid those in the adoption
triad to promote healing and growth within the adoption community and
empower readers to share their own stories. Her book, Through Adopted Eyes: A
Collection of Memoirs From Adoptees, shares 50 adoptee perspectives and guides
readers through adoption from the perspective of adoptees.

You can order Elena’s book here.

Featured image by Taylor Simpson at Unsplash