Must Be Nice: 7 Steps to Manage Envy

In the hit musical, Hamilton, there’s a line in the song “Washington on Your Side” that goes like this:

It must be nice. 

It must be niiiice to have Washington on your side.

If you’re not familiar with this phrase or need a reminder, the scene depicts an entertaining exchange between historical U.S. figures Aaron Burr, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison. These three men basically trash talk the absent Alexander Hamilton, rapping their strong opinions about their work and about the new immigrant, whose ideas they love to hate. Their envy of Hamilton and the attention he receives from General Washington is woven throughout their sarcastic tones and harsh words. You can listen here. 

I confess, I see pieces of myself in Burr and Jefferson. I know what it’s like to have the ‘must be nice’ mantra running through my mind. I empathize with their envy, which seems relatively benign, even comical at times, but carries the potential for resentment that will wreck our mental health and relationships.

At the risk of being totally vulnerable here, my envy over the past several months has looked something like this:

Must be nice to have local family members who are present and supportive.

Must be nice to never feel the fatigue of fighting for your child’s education, health, medical care, existence, or inherent worth.

Must be nice to have a book contract.

Must be nice to have a full load of coaching clients.

Must be nice to have chunks of quiet time to write meaningful content.

Must be nice to have a large platform and then tell the rest of us not to hustle.

Must be nice to live in an ethnically diverse community that is seeking to build bridges.

Must be nice to have ample resources and experienced sitters for your marriage getaway.

Must be nice to have time and money for a legit vacation.

Sometimes, these kinds of thoughts move into our minds, posing as supportive friends who are more interested in stroking our egos and soothing our cynicism but not in guiding us toward a more hopeful reality.

When our mantras go unchecked, we may start to believe our thoughts are justified–even good. These ‘friends’ give us permission to focus on a villain ‘out there,’ let us wallow in harmful thought patterns, and prevent us from being fully present in our own lives. We think these ‘friends’ are caring and supportive but they’re actually keeping us from the hard, necessary work of finding the root of our mantras, facing hard truths, recognizing the beauty in our own lives, and figuring out a new, more healthy path forward.

While I still hear the whispers of ‘must be nice,’ they’re more faint now, as I slowly learn to address the envy behind them. 

If you’re struggling with this toxic mantra, I hope these Seven Steps to Manage Envy are helpful: 

• Discover the root. Sometimes the root of your envy is fear. You’re afraid to name what you really want but you’re frustrated when you see others living the life you envision. You’re afraid to fail if you commit to the work your dreams require. Or maybe you’ve bought into the myth of scarcity, believing that the success of another leaves no room for your own. Whatever the root, get curious enough to discover and name it.
• Confess the struggle. Envy can turn you against others, depleting your energy and damaging meaningful relationships. Admitting your need for Divine strength and mercy empowers you to humbly acknowledge your envy, without shame, and help guard against the ‘us’ versus ‘them’ mentality.
• Connect with a trusted friend. Connecting with those who know you well and love you enough to neither judge nor coddle, is vital. These faithful truth-tellers point you toward the light of Jesus and the love of the Divine who offers freedom from toxic mantras. In addition, you may need to find a therapist to help process your past or a life coach to help you explore future possibilities. 
• Mute the voices. You can quiet the external voices that fuel your envy by physically muting people online or limiting your IRL time with those who perpetuate this mantra. Needing to mute doesn’t make you ‘bad’ nor does it make the muted person ‘bad’; you may simply need tighter boundaries for a season–and that’s okay. 
• Stay in your lane. When you get sidetracked by the good work of others, you may begin to compare yourself to them, your timeline with theirs, viewing their *perceived* successes as a threat to your progress. Remember to focus on the good work to which you’ve been led and have chosen – work that demands your particular gifts, perspective, talents, and efforts. Our world needs your voice, your work, your life – YOU – not another version of someone else’s work and life.
• Give thanks. Taking time every day to name the ‘good and perfect gifts from above’ can help shift your mindset from self-pity and clenched fists to gratitude and open hands.
• Encourage one person. While this may feel counterintuitive, encouraging someone else decenters yourself. You don’t need to rush this step or embrace the unhelpful ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ philosophy but when the Spirit nudges, offer a simple word of encouragement to another human as a way to reject comparison and remember that we belong to each other. 

There are, of course, other ways to manage envy but I’ve found these seven to be most effective. They blend our mind, emotions, and spirit with practical, small steps. May they serve you well.

I’m curious about your experience with the phrase ‘must be nice.’ Has it ever crept its way into your life? 

What has envy looked like for you? 

What helps you work through it? 

I’d love to hear from you!

Featured image by Clay Banks at unsplash